Chief of Indian intelligence agency RAW, Arnab Goswami, made international headlines when he announced findings which confirmed the presence of Daesh leader Abu Bakar al-Baghdadi in Karachi, Pakistan.
Goswami, who was wearing a special grey-colored formal suit with a red tie (indicating alarm), held an unannounced press conference in New Delhi after paying handsome bribes to his former colleagues in the media for uninterrupted coverage.
“I can say with satisfaction that I have done a good job”, said Goswami with a momentary smile, while adding that he never likes self-praise. “No harm in making an exception this time, because what I have done is truly something outstanding”. Upon inquiry by the excited press, he revealed, “RAW can confirm that Daesh caliph Abu Bakar Baghdadi is in Pakistan. Would you like to know which city he is in?”
An uproar was witnessed in the hall in which media persons from various print and electronic media outlets pressed the RAW chief to share more information. “Alright alright, please everyone, calm down. He is presently in Karachi”. There was a long period of silence before a journalist asked, “How can you establish your claim, sir?”
“I’m afraid sensitive matters like these cannot be disclosed in the larger interests of state security”, replied Goswami.
After this power-packed press conference, Deputy Director RAW Rahul Das distributed copies of what appeared to be a ‘Top Secret’ intelligence file mentioning sources of information. A copy of the letter is being presented below:
<114 ALPHA GROUP PK>
1. Agent Shakti compiled a list of all people in Karachi named “Abu Bakar”.
2. Agent Pandey sent a team of subordinate agents for recce of the people to trace their neighborhoods. One particular Abu Bakar was found living in the Baghdadi neighborhood of Lyari town.
3. Field agents also discovered a ‘Baghdadi Police Station’ in the locality.
4. In view of the above, it is confirmed that Abu Bakar from Baghdadi mohalla i.e. Abu Bakar Baghdadi is present in Pakistan. Furthermore, he appears to have established a state within a state in Karachi. It is clear Pakistani ISI is giving it secret support.
5. Over and out.
It didn’t take long for the Government of India to realize the magnanimity of the revelations. The information was compiled into a comprehensive dossier with details of all of Abu Bakar’s friends, family and relatives. The Pakistani High Commissioner in New Delhi was summoned by the Indian Ministry of External Affairs and handed over evidence by India.
Meanwhile, Home Minister Rajnath Singh and NSA Ajit Doval rushed to RAW headquarters, Lodhi Road to congratulate Arnab Goswami and his team. A pack of chocolates, gold medals and cash prizes were also given to all brave jawans involved in this clandestine operation. Doval called his Pakistani counterpart Nasser Janjua, screamed “huhuhahaha” and put down the phone.
Meanwhile, this scribe spoke to the man named Abu Bakar from Baghdadi area of Lyari. Transcript of the conversation is as follows:
Me: “Salam bhai, aap Abu Bakar baat kar rahe hain, Baghdadi mohallay walay?”
Him: “Abay haan bhai, aur kya mein Farzana ka mamu Ghafoor baat karria hoon? Kaun ay bay?”
Me: “Kuch nai bhai. Kya aap Daesh ke khalifa hain?”
Him: “Abay tu ***tiya bana raha hay mujhe? Tu hay kaun?”
Me: “Bhai aap ke baaray mein RAW ke sarbarah Arnab Goswami kehte hain ke aap Daesh ke khalifa hain”.
Him: “Kaun? Ye Swami kaun hay, saala k**jar, bha*wa, iski ********”.
After Abu Bakar from Baghdadi colony abruptly cancelled this scribe’s call, a copy of the conversation above was dispatched to Arnab Goswami. A meagre response “No Comment” was received through his Facebook inbox message few days later. Meanwhile, Indian Defence Minister Manohar Parrikar warned Pakistan Army of dire consequences if it did not give serious attention to its dossier on Abu Bakar Baghdadi.
Recent updates sent by sources a short while ago suggested that the author of this news was smoking a different kind of weed while writing this report.
With additional reporting by Paagalka Puttar in New Delhi
This is a satire piece. If you didn’t get it by now, hats off to you!