Renowned Indian investigative journalist Arnab Goswami was very secretly appointed the new chief of India’s external intelligence agency, Research & Analysis Wing (RAW) in a public ceremony held near Delhi Gate late in October 2015. It was a limited gathering in which a handful of around 600 guests from all walks of life were invited, including Ajay Devgn of “Singham” fame.

Talking about this coveted new appointment, an anonymous official in the Cabinet Committee of Security said that the decision to appoint Arnab as head of India’s dashing spy agency was his confirmation of Mumbai don Dawood Ibrahim’s residence in Karachi.

“It was astounding really”, the official said, “We have given RAW billions of rupees under a classified Project ‘DILDO’ (Dawood Ibrahim Locate and Destroy Onsite) since the past 20 years to track the notorious don but each time, the results painted a gloomy picture”. When asked whether this was an admission of failure, the anonymous official (Mr Gaurav Tripathi) coughed for a while before continuing, “Things are changing all for the better now. With Arnab’s unbeatable expertise in investigative journalism, India will be more secure. Mumbai especially will be cleansed of crime once and for all”.

As this scribe was scribbling down his narrative, the secret agent continued, “You know, people really underestimate our capabilities. Failure in one thing doesn’t mean we’ve failed in others. I bet you didn’t know that it was Arnab who provided critical information to Pentagon for the attack on Osama Bin Laden”.

This scribe was baffled by this grand claim. “You’re joking, right?”

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“Not at all”, replied the officer, “It was the 14th of Feb, 2011. What we refer to in the spook community as Codename ‘Valentine’s Day’. Arnab wanted a fully-paid vacation with the family to Switzerland but he was much short of funds. He had spent a major chunk of his savings on paying his guests after every show as compensation for interrupting them after every few seconds. During a private luncheon that night at the US Embassy in Delhi, Arnab was given a lavish reception by the US Ambassador. Seizing the opportunity, he shared with the dignitary his personal problem and vowed to provide what he said was “something of interest to the US intelligence community”. My colleagues and I, who were present undercover as professional female escorts, had eavesdropping equipment installed inside our fake butt enlargements. We picked up this peculiar chatter and went closer to the two talking in a corner. Arnab had the same confident look and sly smile while the American ambassador had an eyebrow raised in intrigue. We went near them, jiggled our bums around like Shakira pretending to be partying, whereas in reality we were trying to make the audio signals more clear. The two of them, unsuspecting of our techniques, carried on with their conversation.”

Me: “Oh…kay…”

Secret Agent: “So then Arnab says, “Abbottabad, he’s in Abbottabad”. The US Ambassador was shocked beyond description. Not because he was amazed at Arnab’s research, but because he had no idea where the city of this name was located. At first he thought it was someplace in Kazakhstan; Arnab aptly reminded him that’s where Borat is, not Bin Laden.”

Reportedly, according to the unnamed secret agent Gaurav Tripathi, Arnab Goswami had tracked down one of Osama’s wives Amal Bin Laden through information gathered by TIMESNOW’s Investigative Cell in Yemen.

“A specialist Arabic-to-English translator was hired on Arnab’s instructions to scout through the local telephone directory and search for “Amal Bin Laden”. The information was then relayed to Arnab at TIMESNOW Head Office back in India but he kept the information confidential” he said.

“Why? Why did Arnab hide this very important information from the public?” this scribe asked in shock.

“He had to catch a bigger fish, Dawood Ibrahim”, the officer replied calmly.

“You see”, he continued, “Arnab had further investigated Amal’s profile for 4 whole years and found that her third uncle’s fifth niece was named Mehjabeen”.

“Oh my God, you mean the same Mehjabeen…”, this scribe asked with eyes wider than before.

“Yes, the same Mehjabeen, wife of most wanted don Dawood Ibrahim”, he interrupted this scribe in an emotionless tone. “Arnab told the CIA that he had a telephone conversation with Amal who confirmed that she was Osama Bin Laden’s wife. She mentioned her husband’s employer as Al Qaeda, which convinced Arnab that he had found the solid evidence he had been searching all these years. He recorded this in his office phone and later shared the tape with the CIA team. The story then goes on…”.

“So that’s how he found Mehjabeen’s phone number?” this scribe asked.

The secret agent nodded in agreement.

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Coming back to our recent subject of discussion, informed sources shared with Pakistan Insider that RAW chief Rajinder Khanna was sacked by Indian NSA Ajit Doval after his failure to track criminals with ties to international terror networks. Khanna’s reports insisted that Ibrahim was hiding in Dubai but Modi Sarkar was furious at these realistic assessments and wanted solid evidence to somehow implicate Pakistan’s ISI in all the connections.

It was sometime in late August that Ajit Doval’s son Shaurya came rushing inside Delhi Gymkhana with an iPad in his arms. He played a video uploaded on TIMESNOW’s official Facebook page in which Arnab Goswami had confirmed Dawood’s presence in Karachi. Ajit Doval was astounded and called Modi’s Secretary for an immediate meeting.

After three days of round-the-clock discussions, including with RAW directors in India and in overseas stations, the government got the green signal it waited for. Arnab Goswami was brought to the Rashtrapati Bhawan in Delhi, decorated in a secret investiture ceremony and given appointment as the new RAW chief.

Arnab’s appointment could spell a sigh of relief for Hindutva circles whose own extortion and crime networks across the country were being challenged by a Muslim. The sidelining of Dawood Ibrahim will ensure the exclusive dominance and monopoly of Hindu Brahmins over the national crime networks. “Only a Hindu can extort money in Mother India”, one militant pundit was quoted as saying.

The union government too, seems optimistic. “With Arnab as RAW chief and a financially strong Hindutva, the focus of RSS/BJP thugs will be more on looting minorities instead of killing them. This is a win-win situation for all and guarantees the quick fulfillment of Modi’s Make (Money) In India initiative”, one official privy to the development opined.

What remains to be confirmed however, is whether Arnab is comfortable with this new appointment.

This scribe sent him a text message on his cellphone which asked ‘Do you like the new job Arnab?’. He replied late at night: ‘I cannot tell you that’.

With additional reporting by Lambi Chornaywala in Mumbai and Bakwa Sitattu in New Delhi

 

This is a satire piece. If you didn’t get it by now, hats off to you!

Photo credit: Getty Images