Disclaimer: The following is a satire piece written by the author to inject some food-for-thought among the readers. Pakistan Insider does not in any way endorse or agree with its content.

Dear Diary,

After managing to sleep unevenly for 4-5 hours, I decided to wake up once again and go back to duty. It has been a rough couple of days and I haven’t been able to rest properly. The infidel armies are at the gates and it is up to me to stop their intrusion into our Ummah.

For more than 3 years, I have been viciously waging jihad on social media. Armed with precision-strike weapons like Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Pinterest, I have destroyed more people with my keyboard than I could have in real life. I have to admit I would’ve gotten beaten up if I had to shut someone up face-to-face. This is why I’m really grateful to Mark Zuckerberg who, despite being a filthy Zionist, has shown he has some sense of being Ahlul Kitab in him. If he charged us for Facebook I wouldn’t have been able to execute my moral obligations. Not to sound self-praising but I have become so skilled in fast typing that my mujahid brethren refer to me as ‘Abu Lightning’. But shutting up the enemy isn’t an easy task. It requires a lot of sabr.

On Facebook, I scout tirelessly through hundreds and thousands of satanic pages of people and groups who question the beliefs of Islam or the interpretations of our respected sheikhs. Once this intelligence collection is complete, I study each of their profiles carefully, trying to find their weak points. Alhamdulillah that most of them have private information publicly-visible. I use those pieces of information against the enemies of Allah and start humiliating them. Fortunately I have a registered version of The Qur’an and Hadith software at my disposal 24/7. If I am debating with a kafir, I quickly access my library of Drone Strike victims and start uploading them one by one. I compliment these photos with taunting comments, trying to remind those infidels that they hit our fellow Muslims which results in the terrorism they face today.

To be honest, I prefer arguing more with my fellow misguided Muslim brethren. Proving them wrong by quickly copy-pasting ayaat and hadith from software helps me shut them up on time. They try to use their brains for “reasoning” but before they can finish typing anything, I quickly post text and multimedia content consisting of explanations offered by our righteous, virtuous ulama. When they dare to reject our sheikhs, I finish the task up easily by requesting my expert mujahid colleagues to hack his/her Facebook ID and raise the flag of Islam high on their cover photos section. Nothing could replace the amount of joy in falsifying the aqeedah of a fellow misguided Muslim.

I also use Twitter. It is much better since hundreds of my fellow mujahid brothers can join “handles” together to gang up against a misguided Muslim or some selected kafir. We warn them about Allah’s Wrath and the horrible fate which awaits them in the Hereafter. If they still don’t listen, we start posting nude photos to their timeline telling people it is actually stuff they (the targets) posted, not us.

To be honest, I prefer arguing more with my fellow misguided Muslim brethren. Proving them wrong by quickly copy-pasting ayaat and hadith from software helps me shut them up on time.

LinkedIn is a very useful tool as I can find out exactly who my target is and where he works. If someone continuously rejects my dawah, I call up his present employer and say, “Assalamu Alaikum I am looking for brother/sister XYZ they are getting late for a religious mission”. On hearing this their employers assume them to be members of a jihad group and either suspend or arrest them. Some critics of Islam say this is against ethics but I ask them, isn’t the life of this world just illusions? The fact that they expect me to be some sort of passive, “tolerant Sufi” type of Muslim amuses me. If only they knew our obligation is to do dawah by hook or by crook…

Pinterest is okay, I find it confusing because everytime someone ‘pins’ my photos I jump up thinking I’ve been arrested or something before realizing all of it is actually virtual. The best part about Pinterest is I get to keep a large volume of photos of dead children, mutilated bodies of people and Japanese anime girls with hijabs on their heads; all of them have words of brotherly advice inscribed on them using Photoshop to attract the attention of the ignorant ones who don’t know what they’re missing out on.

I remember once a brother on Facebook was doubting my niyah for dawah. I informed him that he and his entire family would be doomed to hell if he doubted the intentions of fellow Muslims. I noticed a family group photo in his album. I quickly edited it to make all the faces of his family appear as dogs. He was angry at me as if I did something wrong. He asked me how I could do such a thing but I reminded him that “Actions are based on intentions” and that my intention in portraying him and his family like dogs was to remind him of the worthlessness of this dunya and that the true life will begin in the Hereafter. My intention was to reform him, not insult him, so whatever I did was ultimately okay. He accused me of taking things out of context so I decided to use my most lethal technique: social engineering.

A few days later, I started befriending that misguided Muslim brother posing as a hijabi girl. My ID had this really cute image of a crying doll with my username appearing as “Angelic Sana”. He fell for it, for he knew not what charms and femininity I had up my sleeve. Alhamdulillah, I successfully fooled him for 5 months and when he finally asked to meet him in person, I broke the true news to him. He was so shocked and enraged that he committed suicide.

I felt sorry for his haram death but then reminded myself he wanted to meet a non-mehram “female” friend from Facebook. At the end, I knew he got what he deserved.

I’m quite exhausted these days so I’ve stuck to just calling the rival sect’s followers as kafirs on their pages and profiles. I just pissing them off. Like a lone sheep among a pack of wolves, I dare to spread the message of haq without fearing for my own life. But that is something I must do every day because my life is devoted to protecting Islam before someone tries to finish it.

I will not let any cyber kafir or cyber munafiq rest in peace, InshaAllah.