India’s most peaceful Hindu spiritual organization Shiv Sena wants renowned Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan expelled to the red planet, in a move fully supported by India’s Brahmin establishment.

Reportedly, Uddhav Thackeray, the Paksh Pramukh (Chief) of the party, summoned a meeting of like-minded Hindu spiritual organizations at an undisclosed location in Maharashtra three days ago. The discussions revolved around Aamir Khan’s defiant insistence that Indian society was gradually becoming severely intolerant, making it difficult for him and his family to ignore the security threats.

Some members from the Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP) and Bajrang Dal were of the opinion that Kiran Rao, Aamir’s Hindu wife, should be “confiscated” from what they perceived as “the clutches of an ISI mole”. According to one insider familiar with the details of the urgent huddle, Shiv Sena leaders proposed expulsion of Aamir Khan to Mars. His politically active son Aditya Thackeray, who spoke at length during the meeting, said he would use his impeccable English-writing skills to write a powerful letter to the Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO).

Aditya reiterated time and again during his argument that the Bollywood superstar has a special affinity for outer space and astronomy in general, evident from his film “PK”. The young chief of Yuva Sena believes Aamir’s expulsion to Mars will be a win-win for both India’s space program and the actor. Aditya vowed to share the proposal with Chairman ISRO Kiran Kumar in a few days. But first, he expressed his desire to visit Bangalore and hire a specialist design crew to make a special model design for Aamir’s expected spacecraft using the latest avionics technology.

Among the more prominent members of this secret, emergency meeting was Shaurya Doval alias “Doval Junior”. He voiced complete support for Aamir Khan saying it would prove a cornerstone in India’s Interstellar Foreign Policy and literally “leave India’s footprints” on the red planet.

“Such opportunities come once in a lifetime. We should seize the moment and get Aamir packing”, Doval was reported to have said.

Meanwhile, Home Minister Rajnath Singh appears to be very active since the past 12 hours. He has dispatched a team of elite police commandos to pick up Aamir Khan from his residence and “make him” accept the proposal by crook or by crook.


Meanwhile, in a recent op-ed for the party’s mouthpiece Saamna, Shiv Sena spokesman Sanjay Raut wrote that India was showing “goodwill” toward the troubled Khan by sending him on a planet where “there will be no one around to show intolerance”. Writing further, Raut explained Shiv Sena’s stance as follows (excerpt):

“We are aware of Aamir Khan’s legitimate concerns and wish to send him to a place where no one will disagree with his views or threaten him, since there practically won’t be any living organism around. Mars will prove a very tolerant abode for the superstar who has already revealed his extra-terrestrial inclinations in the recent past. Shiv Sena assures the Indian people in particular and the world in general, that no intolerant Hindu will make Aamir Khan uncomfortable on Mars”.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Narendra Modi has shown his keen personal interest to realize the vast potential of this initiative in promoting India’s positive image “beyond the atmosphere”. Briefly commenting on this development during a public address in home province Gujrat, Modi said that Aamir Khan “will not only be duly compensated but will also be appointed as India’s Honorary Ambassador to Mars”. When asked why hundreds and thousands of fake Indian Twitter accounts were hurling repeated abuse and slander at the actor, Modi shrugged and said, “This is the beauty of the world’s largest democracy. We let anyone do and say anything as they please”.

“Then why is Aamir Khan being persecuted for expressing his concern?” asked a reporter. “He is paid to act all bold and righteous in films”, Modi replied, “He should not try to emulate his fictional self in real life. We pay to watch his movies in which he talks about this and that rights, we don’t pay him to throw reality like this on our faces in real life!” After this, the Indian PM had reportedly stepped down from the stage in sheer rage and left for the Prime Minister’s Office.

On the other hand, senior unnamed officials such as Gaurav Tripathi in RAW informed Pakistan Insider that Aditya’s model spacecraft was nearing completion and would be launched within a week.

“It’s sad to see him go but unless he leaves, we can’t prove India is tolerant”, he said. “Rather than troubling millions of Hindus to act sensibly, it is best for one non-Hindu to give the ultimate sacrifice. Modi ji has assured the actor’s immediate family that he will be posthumously awarded a Certificate of Appreciation as soon as his shuttle enters the Martian atmosphere”.

Reporting by Chahwol E. Oye in Mumbai

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