Reliable sources have informed Pakistan Insider that the security establishment in New Delhi is “deeply concerned” by a shocking intelligence report received from an agent in Gwadar.

According to available information, one of RAW’s key agents in Balochistan successfully intercepted a security directive through which cattle will be deployed on strategic locations along the China-Pak Economic Corridor (CPEC). The bulk of them would be deployed in sensitive areas of Balochistan, interior Sindh and Gilgit-Baltistan. Sources said the cattle, numbering approximately 7000 in quantity, will operate under the newly-established Strategic Bovine Command (SBC).

In a closed-door meeting near a secret café right besides RAW Headquarters on Lodhi Road, officials privy with the details gathered together to discuss the implications of SBC on the agency’s sabotage operations. One of the sleuths, identified only as Vishal P, had apparently shared incriminating details dispatched by his sleeper cell in Okara. Vishal shared a Top Secret Human Intelligence (HUMINT) report that the Pakistan Army had a secret bunker where different types of cattle are “modified”.

This scribe managed to obtain that original intelligence file from the café, which the agents had apparently forgotten. It was acquired after a small bribe was given to the old chaacha who sits behind the reception, and was an eye and ear witness to that entire conversation.

The contents of this report reveal why India is alarmed by Pakistan’s latest venture:-

TOP SECRET
FOR IMMED REL

07 OCT 2015: OKARA, PUNJAB

SUBJECT: PREPARATION OF DEADLY BOVINE

1. RECCE WAS CARRIED OUT THRICE ON PAK ARMY’S DAIRY FARM IN OKARA CANTT.

2. AGENTS CODENAME “BABU” AND “SATYA” SECRETLY ENTERED AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER IN THE FARM WHERE ARMY VETERINARIANS WERE OBSERVED “MODIFYING” THE CATTLE. DETAILS AS FOLLOWS:-

(A) EYES WERE EMBEDDED WITH NIGHT-VISION AND LASER CAPABILITIES

(B) TRISHULS WERE PRINTED ON EITHER SIDES IN RED

(C) UDDERS WERE DRAINED AND FILLED WITH PANCHAGAVYA

(D) EAVESDROPPING DEVICES WERE INSTALLED IN THE EARS

(E) ENEMY DETECTION SYSTEMS WITH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CAPABILITIES WERE FITTED ON THEIR BACKS WHICH COULD RECOGNIZE PATTERS SUCH AS JOINING HANDS AND BOWING

3. AGENT CODENAME “PRAFUL” IN RAWALPINDI REPORTED CONTINUOUS MOVEMENT OF TRUCKS BETWEEN OKARA CANTT AND HQ STRATEGIC BOVINE COMMAND.

4. IN VIEW OF THE ABOVE, POSSIBILITY OF MASSIVE CATTLE-BASED DETERRENCE CANNOT BE RULED OUT.

5. CC:

(A) DIR (OPS), RAW
(B) DG MO
(C) DG MI
(D) SECRETARY, MHA
(E) CHAIRMAN, JOINT INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE

This scribe contacted his most trusted source, Agent Gaurav Tripathi, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity. As an insider, he spoke authoritatively on the massive ramifications these moves by Pakistan could have on RAW’s clandestine ops.

Tripathi said, “You have to give credit to those Pakis, they are hitting us right in the heart. Do you think they can fool the world by pretending to be ignorant of the fact that we Brahmin warriors hold cattle in great esteem”.

“I am proud to tell you we have 6 shaheeds uptil now”, he continued.

“Shaheeds? What? Who? How? When? Where?” this scribe asked in astonishment.

“You see, the file in your hand, you got it late. As soon as we read it around a month ago, our Director of Operations sent a team of 8 jawans for Counter Intelligence to test those modified, hybrid cattle’s capabilities. As our jawans discreetly approached the cattle, 6 of them couldn’t resist catching their sight. They immediately bowed before the cows in respect, kissed the glowing trishuls on their sides and stood up, until… until…”, he paused for a long while.

“Until what!” this scribe pressed Tripathi in severe curiosity. He replied, “Until those 6 jawans caught whiff of the panchagavya. They just…couldn’t resist the temptation any longer. As they tried to reach for the udders, all the cows simultaneously directed laser beams from their eyes, which pierced our jawans’ bodies and left them unrecognizable. We will never forget their sacrifice and valor. We will award them with Yudh Seva medals soon. Jai Hind!”

“You said there were 8 jawans in total and that 6 of them became ‘shaheeds’. Um, so what happened to the remaining two?” this scribe asked in seriousness.

“Oh them! Well, one of the jawans was a Jain. He noticed flies swarming around the compound and immediately ran away lest he crushed them. The other was a Dalit, who was fond of beef. He didn’t show the cattle any respect, hence he was spared.”

Tripathi said that this field test was essential in formulating a useful ‘Plan B’.

“We’re not dumb”, he said, “Now we know. Devout Brahmins are vulnerable to the cattle, not the minorities. We’ve decided to shift most of the black ops work to non-Brahmins. We’re trying to find as many Dalits, Muslims and Christians we can. Some of the workload will be outsourced to our friends in the NDS”. Then he started to laugh hideously.

*tring tring*

Our conversation was interrupted by a spate of calls on Tripathi’s Huawei phone. A few minutes later, he got up from the seat beside me and ran off. This scribe could hear him shouting from a distance, “I will meet you soooooooooooooon….”.

The next day, he called me up again, begging me to hear his latest insider scoop. “Okay so, Plan B is a big no-no too”, he lamented. “I left you abruptly last night to attend an urgent meeting of the Joint Intelligence Committee. I have never seen Pradhaan Mantri Sri Narendra Modi Ji be so furious with Shri Ajit Doval so far. He warned Shri Doval and Raksha Mantri Shri Manohar Parrikar that the cattle in Pakistan should not be hurt at any cost”.

The entire incident was narrated by him as follows:

Modi: “Haraamjado, gow idhar (India) ki howay ya udhar (Pakistan) ki, iss samasya ko baray stara mein dekhne ki jaroorat hay”.

Doval: “Sarkar, woh kaise?”

Modi: “Abay oh buddhu! Tera bheja ghaas charan howay hay kya? Sarhad paar humra dushman tau howaych, par uski gow hamre Akhand Bharat ke sadasye howain”.

Parrikar: “Sir, lekin phir hum….”

Modi: “Mere ko lekin wekin nahin maloom! Aik bhi gow mata jakhmi hui tau hum tum sab ki maata-behna aik kardenge! Kaa samjhe!?”

Tripathi said the Modi government was amazed how Pakistan could be so insensitive. To ensure that none of the cattle got injured or their sentiments hurt, the Prime Minister’s Office had no other option but to freeze all CPEC sabotage operations.

“Shri Modi will soon be writing a letter to Videsh Mantri Shri Sushma Swaraj to summon Pakistan’s High Commissioner in Delhi and clarify the reason for deployment of cattle”, he informed.

“What about the Strategic Bovine Command? Have you managed to find out who is in-charge?” asked this scribe.

“Boss (Arnab Goswami) is on it. He managed to find the telephone number of a man formerly leading a private Pakistani packaged milk corporation. His wife picked up the phone and confirmed…”

And the story goes on.

Bong E. Maarnaywala from Islamabad contributed to this report

This is a satire piece. If you didn’t get it by now, hats off to you!

image credit: Tribune / Press Trust of India.